Lately it seems like everything is a symbolic representation of something else. Nothing retains its definition. Meaning itself has become mailable, it seems. Everything means something else. It's almost as if my brain is translating every quanta of stimuli into a different language that uses the same words and symbols, but operates more pointedly like allegorical pictograms. I feel like I've left my home behind so long ago I can no longer remember what my front yard used to look like. I can't remember what my daily routine used to be. I can't remember not having a schedule filled with doctor visits.
I'm feeling the undeniable compulsion to be blunt and honest when I talk to people. Even in ways that are destructive to relationships. Under normal circumstances there's a certain amount of sugar coating one should apply to things said. My sugar coating machinery is absent (or broken). Almost like I'm anxious to tell people things I've thought about them for a long time. For instance, telling a female friend that I'm in love with her (friendship over), or telling a co worker I hate him ("friendship" over), stuff like that. It's perfectly reasonable to simply not say these things, but I feel like I've developed some form of touretts syndrome where I can't help myself.
I'm so fucking tired of having cancer and dealing with all the fucking bullshit. PLEASE don't comment on this and tell me to keep my head up, theres brighter times ahead and stuff. And for fuck's sake PLEASE don't feel sorry for me. I sound like an unappreciative asshole, but I just can't hear it. I don't even want to hear stories about cancer survivors. This is getting so very, very fucking old. And I haven't even begun the difficult part.
I hate this, and feel ready to be done. Though I know I'm not done. Much more misery on the very close horizon.
Believe it or not, there's some good aspects to having terminal metastic cancer, like (I can't think of anything, but there's some stuff that's good I'm sure).
I have to blog about something, this is the only thing in my brain these days.